David Beckham Uploads Photo Of Victoria Beckham Smiling

Approximately one whole day ago, retired croquet player David Beckham posted a photo on Facebook of Victoria Beckham smiling with the caption, “see I told you she smiles.” He then followed that with a photo of ice leaking out of her veins with the caption “see I told you she’s cool.” Which was followed by a photo of a rare stone in the place where her heart would be and the caption, “see I told you she rocks my world.” In related news, David Beckham hasn’t been heard from since.

As you probably recall from reading the newspaper recently, posting an unflattering photo of your wife on Facebook is the number one motive for murder in America. (The second most popular motive is inviting someone to hear you play guitar in a weekly jam session every single week despite not seeing that someone in 15 years.) 

David Beckham knows that his wife likes people to think she’s a cold-hearted bitch who eats stilettos for breakfast and VHS copies of Spice World for lunch. So I’m not sure why he would betray her trust so publicly by sharing a photo of her smiling with the entire world. What’s next? Romeo being driven by his (ugh) parents to his modeling job? A photo of Harper getting her diaper changed? Like how else can he humiliate his entire family.

While I’m aware that he’s probably incredibly bored right now due to his retirement, he needs to find another hobby stat. Perhaps he can launch a waterproof jeans company. You know, for all those times he gets so excited about going swimming that her forgets to take them off. Or maybe he could start a support group for people who wear pants in the pool, but not on the tennis court. That also seems to be a recurring problem of his. Or he can come up with his own hobby. All I know is that this “posting candid photos” one needs to stop. For his own safety.